Friday, September 18, 2009

A Battle I Cannot Fight.

About three days ago my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It had not really worried me until today. Its been months that he's been in pain and losing a lot of weight. But no one really knew what it was.

It really hit me this morning when my mom started crying. I cant stand to see people cry, I cant stand to see people hurt and there's nothing I can do about it. It sucks, you know...because sometimes you wish that you could heal their pain and take away their tears, but knowing YOU, yourself cant makes me feel bad.

I want for everything to be OK, for everything to be better than it was before...and OK!

I'm not really in the mood to blog but I wanted to write something, hoping that it could help get things off my chest so that I wont worry.

It scares me when I think about him no longer being with us...someone you love and see everyday, who has had a huge impact on your life.

God has taken care of us so far, and I do believe He will continue to.

I feel like maybe I haven't been worrying because with God...what is cancer. I don't want to worry because I know with worrying comes stress and pain, and tears and I don't want to cry. All I can do is tell my dad how much I love him and I cannot guarantee that every things going to be OK, but I can hug him and hold him close and constantly remind him that God is near and whatever he is going through God is going through it as well.

I need God more than anything right now, just to keep it together. I don't believe that He will ever let me down, so having and keeping faith in My Father is the best and all I can do.

Have a Blessed day and Remember to Smile, always.

-Alana Alston.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Hope, is Alive.

I feel like I am going to make it through. No matter what I will not give up and give in.

I feel like God is with me and that day-by-day He's helping me to progress in many ways. I may not be able to see through the mist of this storm but I am going to believe and hope that God will guide me through this because I cannot do this on my own.

Alana Alston.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

No Pain, No Gain.

Lately, life hasn't been quite easy. I feel like every second of every day, my faith is being tested. My thoughts are so corrupt, and I swear its like my mind won't sit still for a minute without something coming across it. Sometimes I feel really weird and so uncomfortable to the point that I don't want to be bothered with anyone.

Honestly, I have to say that I feel as if my faith is being ripped out of my heart. Everything I love, believe in, trust in, and adore is slowly being pulled away from me. Sometimes it gets to where I want to say,"I no longer care to go through this" or,"I cannot do this anymore." I sit and question my belief in God, asking myself do I really believe, because the thoughts I think sometimes are not so pleasant. I'll sit and think the awfullest things, and then go pray or read the bible, and I automatically feel fake, as if I am trying too hard to be a Christian.

A lot of times I feel like I have to prove my love for God to myself, because of my thoughts. I have never been so confused and hurt, mislead, frustrated, and numerous amount of other feelings, before in my life. I must say that it is not easy trying to walk in the way of Jesus Christ. It is a journey to hell and back, a self discovery process, as well as growing and being strengthened for what all is to come.

I think that my biggest issue right now is that I feel that I am losing my faith in God; a scary situation and stressful. I sit and think about how I am 18 and I have experienced things that a lot of people in their 50s have yet to experience. It scares me to the point that all I can do is cry. I know that I am being deceived and that most of my thoughts are lies from the enemy. God knows how much I have hurt, and how much I wanted out. I looked up to God one time and said, "No matter what Father, I will always love you." Nothing in this world can separate us from the love of Jesus, not death nor life. But right now, I feel alone and empty to where I do not know what to think or where to turn.

I don't think I know how much I love God...not even that but How much He loves me. Deep down inside I get this feeling that I have a lot left to learn and grow and experience, but without God in my life, and this feeling that I to me is not life. God is my best friend and my Father, my light and warmth, my comfort, my smile and joy, my hope; how could I stop believing in My Everything.

Today I learned that whenever a trial in life comes upon you, know that you are not going to go around it, you are not going to ditch it, and you surely are not going to give up; but You Will go through it with a smile on your face even when you do not feel like smiling, you'll go through knowing that God is with you every step of the way and that everything you feel and go through He feels and knows what you are going through. Trials are sent our way to strengthen and prepare, because God has a plan and a purpose for all of our lives.

Be Blessed.

Alana Alston.