Back down...from WHAT?

Things have been a lot better lately! Lots of laughter and smiles, it nice to do that!

Now another challenge has come up...that I have to FACE. Being put through so much, changes you...and sometime it can be for the worst. Right now I really don't like the person I am becoming.
I feel like I have lost a lot, and with that I become very defensive (within my mind). I feel really jealous and angry and confused. Don't get me wrong...I am a very good person, I live to love and that's my favorite thing to do. But right now, its hard to do that...when I hate so many things about myself.
I look in the mirror and literally put myself down...constantly. Thoughts running through my mind: I don't deserve this...I'll never be that...and I cant do this. There are so many insecurities and self doubt that have come from out the blue.
The next step for me, is to take on this challenge of changing what it is I don't like about myself. With that, I truly do believe that the next chapter of my life, can and WILL BE opened.

But I do understand that, without loving myself, I cannot give love to anyone else.
A road I must travel, because I have to overcome this.
I know God created a beautiful person. But knowing and believing: are 2 different things.

Be blessed.

-Alana Alston.

Speechless.

Today has been amazing! I attended church, as I do almost every Sunday. But today...was different! I felt God more than ever on this day.

I have been going through so much, lately and doubting within my mind that God wasn't real. But today, there's no doubt at all that God is real! Being in His presence is an honor. He doesn't have to allow for me to feel Him or witness exactly what it is that He can do, but He did! It was the most amazing thing. It was like an out-of-the body type of experience and really all you can say is "Thank You God, Glory be to Your Name!" Truly Wonderful.

My knees trembled, tears were rolling down my face, and I felt surrounded completely by something Powerful and Wonderful!

I'm glad that God continues to love me even though I have flaws and I continue to screw up. It feels great to know that He is there, and that is Real and that everything He says He will do, He will! My heart and soul feels lifted and I constantly feel the desire to smile and shake off every awful thought and all that has been hurting me. God loves me, He loves You, and if you don't believe it...Just Try Him!

God, I Thank You!

Be Blessed.

Alana Alston.

A Battle I Cannot Fight.

About three days ago my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It had not really worried me until today. Its been months that he's been in pain and losing a lot of weight. But no one really knew what it was.

It really hit me this morning when my mom started crying. I cant stand to see people cry, I cant stand to see people hurt and there's nothing I can do about it. It sucks, you know...because sometimes you wish that you could heal their pain and take away their tears, but knowing YOU, yourself cant makes me feel bad.

I want for everything to be OK, for everything to be better than it was before...and OK!

I'm not really in the mood to blog but I wanted to write something, hoping that it could help get things off my chest so that I wont worry.

It scares me when I think about him no longer being with us...someone you love and see everyday, who has had a huge impact on your life.

God has taken care of us so far, and I do believe He will continue to.

I feel like maybe I haven't been worrying because with God...what is cancer. I don't want to worry because I know with worrying comes stress and pain, and tears and I don't want to cry. All I can do is tell my dad how much I love him and I cannot guarantee that every things going to be OK, but I can hug him and hold him close and constantly remind him that God is near and whatever he is going through God is going through it as well.

I need God more than anything right now, just to keep it together. I don't believe that He will ever let me down, so having and keeping faith in My Father is the best and all I can do.

Have a Blessed day and Remember to Smile, always.

-Alana Alston.

Hope, is Alive.

I feel like I am going to make it through. No matter what I will not give up and give in.

I feel like God is with me and that day-by-day He's helping me to progress in many ways. I may not be able to see through the mist of this storm but I am going to believe and hope that God will guide me through this because I cannot do this on my own.

Alana Alston.

No Pain, No Gain.

Lately, life hasn't been quite easy. I feel like every second of every day, my faith is being tested. My thoughts are so corrupt, and I swear its like my mind won't sit still for a minute without something coming across it. Sometimes I feel really weird and so uncomfortable to the point that I don't want to be bothered with anyone.



Honestly, I have to say that I feel as if my faith is being ripped out of my heart. Everything I love, believe in, trust in, and adore is slowly being pulled away from me. Sometimes it gets to where I want to say,"I no longer care to go through this" or,"I cannot do this anymore." I sit and question my belief in God, asking myself do I really believe, because the thoughts I think sometimes are not so pleasant. I'll sit and think the awfullest things, and then go pray or read the bible, and I automatically feel fake, as if I am trying too hard to be a Christian.



A lot of times I feel like I have to prove my love for God to myself, because of my thoughts. I have never been so confused and hurt, mislead, frustrated, and numerous amount of other feelings, before in my life. I must say that it is not easy trying to walk in the way of Jesus Christ. It is a journey to hell and back, a self discovery process, as well as growing and being strengthened for what all is to come.



I think that my biggest issue right now is that I feel that I am losing my faith in God; a scary situation and stressful. I sit and think about how I am 18 and I have experienced things that a lot of people in their 50s have yet to experience. It scares me to the point that all I can do is cry. I know that I am being deceived and that most of my thoughts are lies from the enemy. God knows how much I have hurt, and how much I wanted out. I looked up to God one time and said, "No matter what Father, I will always love you." Nothing in this world can separate us from the love of Jesus, not death nor life. But right now, I feel alone and empty to where I do not know what to think or where to turn.



I don't think I know how much I love God...not even that but How much He loves me. Deep down inside I get this feeling that I have a lot left to learn and grow and experience, but without God in my life, and this feeling that I feel...life to me is not life. God is my best friend and my Father, my light and warmth, my comfort, my smile and joy, my hope; how could I stop believing in My Everything.



Today I learned that whenever a trial in life comes upon you, know that you are not going to go around it, you are not going to ditch it, and you surely are not going to give up; but You Will go through it with a smile on your face even when you do not feel like smiling, you'll go through knowing that God is with you every step of the way and that everything you feel and go through He feels and knows what you are going through. Trials are sent our way to strengthen and prepare, because God has a plan and a purpose for all of our lives.



Be Blessed.



Alana Alston.

The Long Run.

Lots has been happening. And blogging, I have had no time for at all. But I will get back on it. I love to write, I think its a new found hobby of mine.

Well all is good, I am constantly growing and discovering new things about myself. It's been a crazy month, and I have loved it.

-More to come, just no time.

Hard work, pays off.

So I've been working really hard for the past two months trying to get this outfit made. I finally finished it friday [april 17,2009], and it was the best feeling in the world!

Looking at it realizing that I made it was the coolest thing. Honestly, I tend to doubt my ability to do accomplish things, so when I do its like this major deal.
I really love Fashion Design and my heart is completely there, like love tattooed on my heart, its my true passion.



What I'd do without it, um who knows?!




Well, I can thank my God for helping me pull through with this, because I really did want to give up and say this is too much, but I followed through and worked super hard to get the job done.

A New Day.

Yes, with a new day brings joy! I felt so good these past two days, it was insane. Life seemed perfect, and everything, regardless of if it were going well or not, seemed amazing to me. I can't even being to express how thankful I am to have my right mind, going through certain things makes you realize how much you appreciate what you have.

I'll write more later. But I just had to start my day off with something positive.

No Pain, No Gain.

If anyone has ever been hurting, they'd know exactly how I'm feeling. Life is tough, and that old saying "no one said it'd be easy", well that's true. Sometimes I really hate that rough time, because bad times and circumstances, just seem as if they are never ending. Right now, my heart hurts and my mind is completely confused. I feel like I'm doing this outer body looking into an inner body thing.

Sometimes, it feels like I have no one to run to. And feeling alone in this world, is nothing worth bragging about. I know and I've realized that I will be nothing and can't being anything without God. His love is all that I have...to lean on, believe in, and trust. I don't know what else to do lately but cry..and it's not getting me anywhere.

I've always been the kind of person where I hide my feelings, and I hold back on things that I should have said but didn't, thinking that, we'll, maybe this we'll get me somewhere, maybe if I don't say a word, I don't have to worry about anything. In reality, that's not true, because a voice not heard, is like having no voice at all.

It hurts so much when I feel like I can't even go to my own mother and confide in her, trusting that because she is my mother maybe she'll care, maybe she'll hug me in her arms and tell me to hold on.
It hurts, when you start to lose all sight of who you are as person. Feeling empty and worthless, constantly feeling not good enough.

Life is not easy, my friend, please know, and there will be trials and tribulations, but do trust and believe me when I say, turn to God whether it be good or bad, He cannot and will not ever fail, He's there and He hears, and knows exactly what you need and your pain.
Life would be nothing without pain, where would your strength come from, your faith, your character?

I'm struggling with this, but I'll make it through, for God is by my side and he is constantly guiding and strengthening me.

Best of Me.

WOW !
Talk about the weirdest week, ever !
Ive been through hell and back this week. Then this monring God woke me up and off to church I went, only to get there and feel the best relief ever. I can't even sit and descirbe the pain I've felt this week. I have cried so much, I mean its ridiculous. This pain isnt physical, its mental, and it was killing me.
Friends would ask, lana whats wrong...and all I could say was nothing.
I feel so much better, and honestly God's love is the reason. He continues to be there for me, I may slip off sometimes and forget all that He has promised me and what He said He'd do for me.
I put my foot down today, and Declared that last night would be the last night that I ever cried about the circumstance I am in.
God is so good, and we all have to remember that with Him we cannot fail, failure is not connected with God, He wants us to win, to be happy and have peace.
I love Him, and when I say that I mean it.

I was letting the enemy laugh at me, get the best of me. He took my joy, my happiness, my motivation.
Everything!
I was letting everything get to me, when all I had to do was Look Up To My God and see His hand out stretched towards me, saying Take my hand, and be blessed Alana.

Just knowing that He loves me, in spite of my faults makes me feel so Good.
I l ove Him.
And with Him, My World is Great, Life is beautiful, and Love conquerors all!

-lana.

Declaration.

There have been times in my life Im tired and I wanna give up I've been wondering why Why is the world getting so crazy? Still, somehoe I believe I've come too far to die now I'll always survive.Gonna cry now, go ahead and get it out of my system I know I hurt now, but soon I gotta get back to livin' Can't be here next year, givin' you these same tears I hope you enjoyed it, 'cause it's the last time you will take a piece of me I start right now, I don't know how I'm gonna get through it I know right now, I pray somehow 'cause I can't do it I can't keep livin' like this, there's gotta be more than this Jesus, I'm ready, I'm ready for what you have for me. God's people its time to stand up and fight-You cant mess with my mind anymore-Im smarter, see Ive been here before-Its time today, Im not afraid anymoreI look back now, I look at how you tried to break me To take my life, my peace of mind and drive me crazy My self esteem, my dreams, my destiny So, God allowed it, because He knew He had big plans for me Hallelujah! It's your grace, I know today it's how I made it Thank You, Jesus When I thought that it was over Lord, have mercyAre you gonna wait for a sign?-Are you ready for your miracle?You think that maybe it's overYou're life aint overNot unless you want it to be.I speak against everything that comes To destroy the purpose in your lifeYou've been waitin' and debating, here it is, ya'll All your stuff from your past, shake it off ya'll Though they said you wouldn't last, but who is ya'll? Want your dreams back? Let's get it! Your peace of mind back? Let's get it! Want your family back? Let's get it! Are you ready? Let's get it!


I heard this song this morning, and God knows I got too excited.It relates so much to what I am going through right now.

Ive been through alot, sooo much! And throughout all of this mees, Gods been there, Ive never forgotten that. Im taking a stand, because I know there's more to life. I want everything back, that the enemy has ever taken from me. I may not be where I want to be, but I thank God anyways for where I am. Ahhhh, no more no more no moreeeee shutting the door on all the negativity, and moving on with life! God is good, and all the time !


-God loves us, and he allows for us to struggle and go through heartache and pain, because he loves us. He wants us to know that He already made us capable of dealing with anything. He made us strong, and wonderful, and fearful. He loves us, and thats something we always have to keep in mind.

If you havent heard this song before, I suggest that you download it right now.its the Declaration by Kirk Franklin, if this doesnt motivate you, I don't know what will. I feel like I was supposed to hear this song this morning.

[love], Alana.

sundays are bomb, lets make this a movement.!!!!!

what a mess!

Today has been so weird.

First off my insecurities have been eating at me all day. And secondly because today was just an off day.

Insecurities are the one thing that bugs the crap out of me, and when I say that I mean it. It's like every negative thing I can think about myself pops in my head, and for the moment just won't go away. I hate it, and I wish that I could just snap my fingers and all of them just go away.

My insecurities are past circumstances, physical appearance, fears, and the list goes on.
I'm writing about this, because maybe, just maybe I can help someone else to over come their insecurities while I'm battling with mine. It's a disease, I mean it has to be. I can look in the mirror and say ok well I look cute today, but I don't necessarily feel that I am.

Is there something not getting to my brain, that's in everyone Else's with self confidence?
I know people look at me and think I'm crazy when I say I'm ugly, and yes I feel that no Man, and I mean no Man could ever like me, I just don't see how.
People say so many sweet things about me, and tell me how pretty I look and that I'm beautiful, and it just goes in one ear and out the other.

I HATE THIS!

I don't want for others to have to say something to me positive, for me to feel good about myself. That's just not healthy.
The only thing I can think to do, is to go to God on this. I mean no one else can help me. And with Him all things are possible, so I know I can defeat my insecurities and move on with my life.

I'M WRITING THIS NOW, LETTING ANYONE WHO IS BATTLING WITH INSECURITIES KNOW: It's time to take a stand and LET THEM OFFICIALLY GO.

I can't sit and preach on how to do this, because I'm trying as well, but with God and prayer, and some patience all things will work out.

Lesson Learned today: screw insecurities! They are no GOOD, and we really don't GAIN ANYTHING FROM THEM, but self doubt and pain.
Life's moving on, whether we are with it or without it. Encourage yourself daily and believe that things do and can GET BETTER.

[love], Alana.

Prove a Point.

A New Day !

So glad, so glad.

This morning didn't really start off that well, my sister and step dad are always arguing about some mess. And when I say mess I mean like stupid stuff. She gets angry for no reason, he's spazzing out and trying to calm her down at the same time. Stuff is ridiculous if you ask Me.

Well anyways, I get to school today, and see this girl. No names or anything, but I kind of felt jealous for a minute. I started thinking to myself," well dang what is it that she has that I don't".

Maybe its the fact that she's skinny and I'm not or her skin is lighter than mine. Who knows.I don't want to live life as if I'm constantly going to have prove something to someone or a group or people, maybe even the world! Prove that just because I'm bigger than most, that doesn't mean I'm less beautiful or that I'm less of a person.

My whole life I've felt like that. People have always said to me "you're so pretty", "you're such a diva", and tons of other things. I don't ever really pay attention to it because I don't necessarily feel that way about myself.

Low self esteem...um trying to break out of it.Having weight issues sucks, because until I do something about it I'm always going to feel this way.


Well the whole point of this blog is that, in order to truly love yourself for who you are and the way that God made you is to not worry about others, meaning comparing yourself to them.Inner beauty is the one that will constantly shine, no matter how you look on the outside, and honestly some people don't have that.

They could be completely gorgeous and have the worst personality in the world.


I may not be the girl with the nicest body and the prettiest skin, but I was put on this earth for a purpose and obviously some great reason!I don't have to prove anything to anyone.

[love], Alana.

ATTENTION, please.

I most definitely, have got to figure out this problem.

I'm not attention prone, or anything but I tend to want attention from certain guys.
It's like when I want it, I have to have it, and If I don't get it, then I get mean.

It's almost like I need something more than just [something], at all.
if that makes any sense ?

I'm having trouble understanding that just God alone is enough, I feel like I'm seeking for something, and I don't quite know what it is. Not saying God can't provide for my every need, but almost as if, I need more than that, or more than Him alone.
That's tough for me to say, cause I love God, with all my heart, and feeling like he's not enough hurts.

I think that my dad not being around when I was younger, I longed for that being loved feeling from a "man" and because of that, I've grown up longing for attention from guys, especially if I like them. So, its hard for me not to like anyone and just be satisfied with being single and knowing that God loves me and likes me. It's like I need something more in front of my face, realistic to say.

I don't know, man. I'm hoping eventually this will go away, I'm thinking it takes some discipline and confidence to get pass the whole I need a guys attention to feel OK about myself.

Lesson learned today is that: Seeking the wrong attention, gets you no where.
God's love alone is enough to last a lifetime and more. No one else can love you more than Him.
Be satisfied with life and His love for you, don't go looking for attention in the wrong places, go to God with everything, he'll give you His full attention.

[love], Alana.

your two cents, NOT WANTED!

This morning while I was riding in the car, I was listening to my ipod, and I came across this song: like me by Kirk Franklin.


The song is like a motivator, and a reminder that God likes me, and with knowing that, why does it matter what anyone says or thinks !
I've always been one who has struggled with insecurities. Things got so bad to the point that I didnt feel as if I deserved to walk with my head up high, and I felt as is I had no purpose. I was letting what others thought and felt affect my life to the highest level. Its never a good feeling to feel as if you won't and can't be good enough.


I soon came to realize, that life is precious, and if I'm sitting around stressing on these little things, how can I ever enjoy life and all the things God has blessed me with.

Im not perfect and I still do have some insecurities, shoot I'll admit that today I felt super ugly, but I knew that I had to believe that I was beautiful, and love myself regardless, because how I feel others can see. Beauty as they say is as beautiful as the skin is deep. Loving myself is something Im still working on, it's nothing that happens over night, and I now understand that.

So my lesson learned today is, LOVE yourself, BELIEVE in yourself, and stay TRUE to yourself, no matter what anyone says.
a negative word is just a reminder that obviously your doing something right, and people just can't stand it.
Remember, God loves us despite our faults, and thats such a beautiful thing, He likes me, so what you think...do you really believe that should phase me!?
haha.

[love], Alana .

note to self.

Wow.

So first let me just say how beautiful life is. I mean dispite the negative circumstances, life is great! I've been embarking on a journey, to self discovery. Its been really nice so far, I mean of course times get hard, and I want to give up, but God just happens to put me right back on my feet again.I've had the hardest time, coming to realize how beautiful of a person I am, and that no matter what anyone else has to say, God created me for a purpose and to accomplish great things in my life. Thats what Im here for, living for God and God alone.Im discovering the little things, that really make me happy. And then there's the things that I thought I liked and wanted and realized well, thats "dumb", and really not "worth it". Focusing is hard for me to do, especially when its boring. Because, yesss, I do get bored really easily-with situations, people, things that are going on, I become bored.But trust me when I say, when your minds focused on positive things, and what God wants for you to be doing, life is so much better. I mean dull moments can feel like the best moments in your life. There's never a sad moment with true joy, you know?

So my journey is still on, Im not quite there yet, discovering, or finding myself will take some time. But Im up for the challenge, and Im willing to follow any path where God may lead me.