Sunday, September 6, 2009

No Pain, No Gain.

Lately, life hasn't been quite easy. I feel like every second of every day, my faith is being tested. My thoughts are so corrupt, and I swear its like my mind won't sit still for a minute without something coming across it. Sometimes I feel really weird and so uncomfortable to the point that I don't want to be bothered with anyone.

Honestly, I have to say that I feel as if my faith is being ripped out of my heart. Everything I love, believe in, trust in, and adore is slowly being pulled away from me. Sometimes it gets to where I want to say,"I no longer care to go through this" or,"I cannot do this anymore." I sit and question my belief in God, asking myself do I really believe, because the thoughts I think sometimes are not so pleasant. I'll sit and think the awfullest things, and then go pray or read the bible, and I automatically feel fake, as if I am trying too hard to be a Christian.

A lot of times I feel like I have to prove my love for God to myself, because of my thoughts. I have never been so confused and hurt, mislead, frustrated, and numerous amount of other feelings, before in my life. I must say that it is not easy trying to walk in the way of Jesus Christ. It is a journey to hell and back, a self discovery process, as well as growing and being strengthened for what all is to come.

I think that my biggest issue right now is that I feel that I am losing my faith in God; a scary situation and stressful. I sit and think about how I am 18 and I have experienced things that a lot of people in their 50s have yet to experience. It scares me to the point that all I can do is cry. I know that I am being deceived and that most of my thoughts are lies from the enemy. God knows how much I have hurt, and how much I wanted out. I looked up to God one time and said, "No matter what Father, I will always love you." Nothing in this world can separate us from the love of Jesus, not death nor life. But right now, I feel alone and empty to where I do not know what to think or where to turn.

I don't think I know how much I love God...not even that but How much He loves me. Deep down inside I get this feeling that I have a lot left to learn and grow and experience, but without God in my life, and this feeling that I to me is not life. God is my best friend and my Father, my light and warmth, my comfort, my smile and joy, my hope; how could I stop believing in My Everything.

Today I learned that whenever a trial in life comes upon you, know that you are not going to go around it, you are not going to ditch it, and you surely are not going to give up; but You Will go through it with a smile on your face even when you do not feel like smiling, you'll go through knowing that God is with you every step of the way and that everything you feel and go through He feels and knows what you are going through. Trials are sent our way to strengthen and prepare, because God has a plan and a purpose for all of our lives.

Be Blessed.

Alana Alston.


  1. You shouldn't feel fake when you pray or read the bible...when we are confused and tired and angry, THAT'S when we have to run to God. Not only when we feel clean, but especially when we feel corrupted. That's when we need God the most. Jesus came for the sick and weary...Keep up the faith! Jesus never promised we would never face tribulations, but he promised a reward far beyond our imagination, whether in this life or beyond :)

  2. i feel so bad that u feel this way..i feel like im being tested sometimes too, but all i can tell you is pray and that God will never forsake us....HE showed me personally that HE would never do that, God is the only man i trust

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  4. Thank You so much for the encouraging words!